my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
