I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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