i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
