OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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