You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
