I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
