I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
