I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
