sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
