bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
