every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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