I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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