having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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