Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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