Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
