Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
