wakey wakey hands off snakey
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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