totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
