I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize