It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
