Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
