I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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