i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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