i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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