I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
