based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
