He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
