i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
3pm strippers are depressing
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
