I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize