if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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