She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
