I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
