he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
