I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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