Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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