i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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