By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
