I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
