How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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