I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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