he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
