You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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