Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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