i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize