she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
im calling her cock vulture from now on
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
