Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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