You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Let's get the cat blown out
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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