I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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