Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
