my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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