some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
