Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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