my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
