The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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