please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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