i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
