So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
