Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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