So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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