I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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